Dopers Suck

War Axe Bicycles/Bareknuckle Brigade rider Skip Cronin has tested positive for huffing paint, the Wausau Daily Herald reported on Sunday. According to the paper, one of the single speeder's urine samples collected by the USADA Anti-Doping Control showed positive traces of a variety of substances commonly found at local hardware store. In addition, Cronin was seen to have pink metal flaked paint the size of a paint can lid covering his face throughout the recent 24 Hours of 9 Mile event.

The team's ‘War Wagon’ Suburban was reportedly stopped by police and searched, and the police were seen carrying paint cans away in a scene that resembled the opening credits of ‘Saturday Night Fever.’

Directeur sportif Sam Rosenau said he was as surprised as anybody. "We only found out ten minutes ago that we weren’t even racing in a true National Championship class. At first we thought the entire team would stop racing in unsanctioned events and reregister in events which will require a license, but then we realized weren’t not even an official a team. The only thing we are sure about is the beer drinking. That stays."

Cronin, who is rather slow anyway, was dead last in the single speed category before the news broke on Sunday morning. The Nebraskan’s less-than-impressive performances have in the past been explained by his naturally low hematocrit level and inability to say no to Starbuck’s Raspberry scones. (Starbucks was not available for comment at press time.)

Cronin, also known as, 'Endurosnob,' was part of a targeted group of riders who it is believed purposefully race in non-sanctioned events for “fun and camaraderie.” Since the TransIowa in April, it is believed that Cronin not only huffed paint, but also consumed copious amounts of Red Bull and caffeinated energy gels. In addition, he has engaged in such erratic behavior as missing turns in races and unsafely low-fiving friends who cross his path on the Lincoln, Nebraska bike paths, according to the Wausau Daily. He has also been known to wear nail-polish during races, which authorities point to as a clear sign of his instability.

John Kohtz, friend and mechanic, described the final moments before Cronin was announced positive. "He just sat in the suburban and was not able to say anything. We didn’t know if it was effects of the race or the fact he had been huffing paint after each lap. There was pink and black paint everywhere, like someone had killed mountain bike Barbie. We didn't want to make a scene with the police, but he was surrounded by paint cans and it made quite a racket when he tumbled out of the truck. It reminded me a lot of Howard Hughes, actually.”